1. |
Priceless Poop
02:43
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Would you like to buy my poop?
I’ve heard it doesn’t have a price.
Would you like to buy my poop?
I think that means it’s priceless.
My poop I make it, just like the golden goose.
My poop I make it, it’s really not very loose.
I think I would like to sell you my poop.
It’s really, really priceless.
(But I’ll let it go cheap!)
I think I would like to
sell my poop, poop, poop.
I think I would like to
sell a lot of poop.
Would you like, perhaps a tonne,
metric or imperial is fine!
Let’s just sell some of my poop
because I have so much, much, much of it.
I think I make too much.
I think I really make quite a lot,
but since I have so much, much, much of it
perhaps I will let it go on sale today.
Would you like to buy my poop?
It’s really quality poop, poop, poop, poop.
Would you like to buy my poop?
It is basically priceless.
If something is priceless,
then it has no price.
If something is priceless,
then it can’t be bought.
But I am willing to sell my poop.
I am willing to sell quite a bit of it.
I won’t quite sell all of it
because some of it’s not ready.
I won’t sell the part of it
that is still inside my belly.
But I have so much poop, poop, poop, poop.
And I’m ready to let some of it on go.
I have so much poop, poop, poop, poop.
And I’m ready to sell it for a nice, fair price.
I know I said it was priceless, and it’s true!
But I’m willing to sell it cheaper than that.
I know that I said it’s priceless, and it’s true!
But I will settle for 59.95.
59.95
for a block of poop, poop, poop.
59.95
and it’s just for you, you, you, you, you!
59.95
And it’s so, so, so much
and it’s true
And I hope that you like it lots!
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2. |
Out of Earshot
02:26
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I thought I was out of earshot.
I thought people could not hear me.
But my toot, it was just so loud,
and dear God I got caught!
They heard me toot in the other room
the President thought shots had been fired.
They heard me toot in the other room
the Secret Service were spilling hot coffee!
I thought I would be in for a shock,
perhaps a very severe shock!
I just wanted to see the White House,
but then I had to toot.
I found myself in a big knot of people,
I could not quite escape.
And I held my toot, oh, so tightly,
until I toot-toot tooted away.
The big knot of people
squirted around me running far away.
I thought I could get out of ear shot
but I had not gone far enough.
They were all in severe shock.
And I tooted. I tooted once again.
I was in the souvinere shop
and I tooted near my friend!
I could not help it!
It followed me around.
The stink, it was expelling
all around the town.
And you know!
Sometimes it's just the way it happens.
And you know!
There's nothing else to say.
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3. |
Hear my Toot
02:32
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Hear my, hear my toot.
Toot toot toot toot toot toot toot.
Hear my, hear my toot.
Toot toot toot toot toot.
I like to eat my beans
Because they help me toot toot toot.
I like to eat my beans
Toot toot toot toot toot.
How do you like beans?
Do you cook them?
Or do you just crack a can
so you can toot, toot toot.
I like to cook my beans,
sometimes in the microwave,
so I can gobble them.
And then toot, toot, toot, toot.
How do you like to toot?
Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot.
How do you like to toot?
Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot.
I think you might like to
toot because you ate something green.
I think you might like to
toot because of vegetables.
All I know is I like to toot
and I don't care why!
I don't care why I toot.
I just want to toot-toot-toot.
Toot toot toot toot toot toot toot!
Toot toot toot toot toot!
Toot toot toot toot toot toot toot!
Toot toot toot toot toot!
I will release this song like gas,
like a toot, toot, toot, toot, toot.
I will release this song like gas,
toot, toot, toot, toot, toot.
And it enters your ears,
just like it might enter your nose.
Yes it enters your ears
and it makes you hear the toot!
Toot toot toot toot toot toot toot!
Toot toot toot toot toot toot toot!
Toot toot toot toot toot!
Toot toot toot toot toot!
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4. |
My Hair Smells like Poop
01:47
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You are saying that my hair smells just like poop.
But it only smells like poop
Because I rubbed it on your butt.
That’s why my hair might smell like poop
Because your butt is made for pooping.
My hair smells just like your butt!
So if my hair smells like poop
it’s because your butt smells, too!
So, maybe, go and poop out your poop
And wipe your own butt.
While my hair smell like poop
All the day, and maybe all night.
Someday, I will wash my hair
And it might smell alright.
But for now, for now,
My hair smell like poop.
Sometimes I dream
That I have my head in a toilet.
Sometimes I dream
That there’s poop instead of hair.
But it’s because,
my hair smells like poop
Because somehow,
I put my hair in your butt crack.
Somehow, my hair smells just like your butt crack.
[You did!]
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5. |
Pooping about Singing
03:13
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I’ve heard of singing about pooping
but not pooping about singing.
Why is that? Why is that?
It does not make the sense.
Why don’t we poop about singing?
If we can sing about pooping?
Why can’t we poop about singing?
Why does it not make sense.
I think if I could poop about things.
It would be to poop about food.
So much food to poop about
I could really sing.
But, I’ll poop about my food instead.
I’ll poop about it until I’m dead.
Everything I eat
gets a special, special poop.
I will poop about my food
sometimes I will poop about my drinks.
I will poop about my food
and I poop so many things.
Did you ever think you could poop
a poop that looked like a politician?
Did you ever think you could poop
a poop as big as a musician?
So many poops! So many poops!
And I sing about all of my poops.
So many poops! So many poops!
And sometimes that poop is big!
But, butt! I rarely poop about my songs!
But, butt! That’s what I’m sayin’!
I rarely poop about my songs.
My butt, it does not sing
it just goes toot, toot, toot.
My butt, it does not sing
it just goes toot, toot, toot toot.
I think my butt, it wants to sing.
I know that famous butts they sing.
That famous French tooter,
he tooted for a King, King, King!
He tooted a song for a king.
But my butt! is not so good.
Perhaps I need to practice more.
But my butt! is not so good.
It just really does the poop.
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6. |
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I don't need to poop now.
Please quit bothering me.
I don't need to poop now.
Please, can't you see?
You are my body
and I control you.
And I said, I said,
I don't need to poop.
I know that you're my body.
I know what you can do.
You can do pushups and
you can eat some food.
I know you're my body,
and you're trying to tell me
that I need to poop, but clearly,
clearly, don't you see.
I'm in the bathroom,
sitting on the toilet.
If I really needed to poop,
I'd be poopin' now.
But nothing's coming out
of my butt, butt, butt
'cause clearly I don't need
to poop right now.
If I needed to poop,
the poop it would flow,
because I'm sitting
on the toilet here anyhow.
But no poop is comin',
comin' out of my butt,
So I don't,
don't need to poop.
I don't know why I thought
I would come in here today.
Because I didn't need
to poop when I sat down.
I think maybe
it was just to get away,
because sometimes everybody
makes me feel like frowning,
sometimes there's too many
people in the house
and I just want
to be left alone.
So I go to the bathroom
and I sit on the pot,
and I think about maybe,
trying to poop.
But I don't really need
to poop, poop, poop.
I just need to get
away from you.
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7. |
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How many songs have been lost
because when they came,
they were not recorded?
How many songs have come to people
while they were sleeping
only to be lost as they woke up.
How many songs? I expect it's lots.
This is not one.
How many songs have been lost
because when they arrived
the person getting the great idea
was pooping on the pot!
How many songs have been lost this way?
This song, it is not one!
How many songs have been lost
because they came
while someone was driving?
Hands on the wheel,
peddle to the gas,
and the song just flew right by.
This song is definitely not one of those.
It has been recorded, you see.
This song, definitely, is not one of those.
I caught it right here, don't you see?
How many songs have been lost
because as it arrived,
the person, they died!
Arriving when the person leaves.
Leaves their last and can't record it.
Leaves their last and can not sing it.
No breath left to sing.
This song, no it's not one of those.
I clearly still can sing.
This song, no, is not one of those.
I don't think I'm on my death bed.
But you don't see me there,
where ever you are hearing this song.
No, you don't see me there.
So I could be most any, anywhere.
I could be most anywhere.
Where might I be while I'm singing this song?
Maybe it's already been mentioned?
Where might I be while I'm singing this song?
I don't think I will mention.
Did you know that some animals
can not hold their pee.
They run around the ground so small,
spreading lines of their pee.
But I'm not one of those!
I think I would use a
catheter if that was me!
No, I'm not one of those,
I pee, yes, in the potty.
I hope you enjoyed this song that I sang.
I hope it brings a smile or a tear.
I hope you enjoyed this song that I sang.
I hope it does, maybe, bring you a beer,
but only if you drink beer.
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8. |
Life is Full of Poop
03:31
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You might not realize it, but
life is full of poop!
Life is full of poop!
Every day a new poop!
Every day a poop!
First you're born,
and then you poop!
You poop as you grow
eventually to someone who
can poop on their own.
Then you might have a fur baby,
and deal directly with their poop.
Some of you might have human babies,
and so begins the poop anew.
So much poop in human life!
The poop it just truely flows!
It keeps on rolling out your butt!
Eventually, it might clog the toilet.
And if it doesn't clog the toilet,
you still have to wipe their asses,
until they can figure that part out.
Hopefully they'll figure it out really soon,
but first they have those stinky diapers.
Unless you live in a country
where they let the children
wander around and poop on the ground.
They learn to squat and poop.
They learn when they're about to go!
And you would think it would be messier but!
It helps the humans to know
when they need to poop
and where they need to go.
But, after all of the children,
after all of the children can poop on their own.
After all of the fur babies have grown and gone!
There's still your own poop!
Because as you grow,
you might have problems
getting the poop
out of your body!
And so you might add a laxative
to your diet for eternity.
So you can poop! So it can flow!
So, so much can go, go go!
You don't want a build up, oh no!
You've got to keep with the poop!
Keep the poop going to the potty.
Going right out, out, out of your body!
So we go to the toilet!
And that's where we go to poop!
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9. |
Pooping and Singing
03:11
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I have heard that it's scientifically determined
that drinking coffee makes you poop.
So I'm sitting on the toilet
after drinking my coffee.
Pooping and singing
and singing and pooping!
It's just one of those things
that humans, yes, they do!
Humans are disgusting!
We know that is true!
But they are good at singing!
Maybe not this human, that is true!
But other humans, they,
yes, they sing, too.
And some humans,
they will sing in the shower.
And some human will sing while they drive.
And some humans will sing while they poop.
While they get that poop on the outside.
So I sit and I poop. I poop and I sing.
I sit and I excrete all sorts of things.
Because I am pooping and breathing and sweating
and sometimes I sing!
Or at least vibrate my vocal chords
while I'm moving around.
Wiggling my mouth
and my tongue all around!
Some people say
it's singing, I suppose.
Some people say
it's pooping with my mouth!
But I am doing this thing!
Yes, I am doing!
Doing this thing!
And when it's all out!
I will clean it up!
Remove the bumps
and the scratchy stuff!
Am I talking about my butt
or am I talking of this song?
For they both need cleaned and polished up.
Making them nice and shiny stuff!
Am I talking about my butt
or am I talking of this song?
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10. |
Tooting Songs
03:10
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In my quest for an hour of songs,
I've started off right.
I started with a song or two.
I started off right.
Sometimes you hit a dry patch,
but you move on with all your might.
So I sing a long song, a long song.
I just keep on agoing.
Singing song after song
while my winds they are a blowing.
'Cause I'm tooting while I'm singing this.
And singing while I toot!
It's a tooty song, tooty song from me to you.
And I hope that when you hear this
the smell carries through.
Because it smells oh, so weird,
and I'm thinking of you.
Toot-toot. Toot-toot-toot.
Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot.
I am tooting and singing.
And thinking of you.
How would you like
to go on adventure?
Traveling the world
with some gastronomic
delights?
And everywhere you go,
you could toot up a story!
Use those toot muscles
to toot it up right!
Carrying songs of your forebears,
your forebears and mine!
Tooting songs of love,
or, at least, what you loved last night.
The glorious food stuffs
that you have eaten right!
You will sing their praises
the following night.
As you toot their stories
with all of your might.
And I hope that you do this,
because it would be right.
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11. |
Today I got Some Gas
03:20
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Sometimes I have to get gas!
Sometimes I have to get gas! Get gas!
Sometimes I have to get gas!
And what do I do when I need some gas?
Why, I toot it out!
Toot-toot, toot! Toot, toot,
toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot!
Sometimes I need to get some gas,
and then I toot it out.
Have you ever needed some gas,
so you hopped in to your car.
You hopped in to your car
to get some gas, gas, gas!
You went to the place
where they sold the tacos.
You went to the place
where they sold bean burritos!
You went to the place
you love! You love!
You went to the place
to get gas!
What kind of gas did you get, get, get?
What kind of gas did you get?
Did you get
gas for your car like you needed?
Or did you get some gas, toot-toot, toot-toot?
Sometimes I need to get gas,
and sometimes I get the wrong kind of gas.
No, I don't do something silly
like get deisal!
And I've never driven
a car that took leaded!
Sometimes I get a burrito,
and then I toot some gas, gas, gas, gas, gas!
And then I toot some gas!
Sometimes that's
all I really needed!
A full belly full of gas!
Othertimes, I go on
to the gas station,
and I then get gas!
But! Today I got some gas, gas, gas!
Today I got some gas
and I'm passing that gas through my engine.
Today I got some gas, gas, gas.
Today I got some gas!
And I passing it through.
Toot-toot, chug, chug, chug!
I pass that gas
through my engine, engine, engine.
I pass that gas
on through, through, through, through, through.
It helps me to complete my mission
of tooting, tooting for you!
Because, because, because!
I can't toot in front of you
if I'm not
present!
So I'll hop in to my car
so that I can toot for you!
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12. |
When You Leave
04:04
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After you've gone I'd prefer it
if you flushed the toilet.
I know you can do this!
I've seen your hands.
You're not a cat! Even if your pretend!
And even cats can flush toilets.
Just think of the cats when you do this!
I hope you wash your hands.
How do you manage just
leaving poop in all toilets?
Walking in to a room
and pooping in the toilets.
You have done this to
seven just toy toilets.
It is kind of embarrassing
when you do it in stores.
How do you partition the poop?
How do you manage to ooze one piece of poop
in to each of seven toilets?
I couldn't do something that fancy.
When I start to poop maybe it does not all come out.
Sometimes I have to sit and think a bit.
But that's only for a first poop and a second.
How did you manage to do seven?
I think you have perfected
some crazy pooping powers.
It wouldn't be so bad
if you just flushed the toilet!
I know you can do it. You've done it before.
I know the toy toilets can't be flushed.
But you normally don't poop in those,
because we remember to put them up.
You went to your friend's house
and they had a little doll,
and that little doll had a toilet.
You sat down and used that doll's toilet.
You sat down and let out a little bit!
You somehow managed to just fill that toilet.
It did not overflow or touch your butt.
I don't know how you did it. Not at all.
You are some kind of crazy master of the toilet.
Maybe I just didn't get enough practice
when I was young pooping in seven toilets!
Maybe I just did't get enough practice.
You have have some crazy skills.
But, unfortunately, there's no Olympics of toilets.
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13. |
Inspired to Poop
03:21
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My inspiration at the time
was that I needed to poop.
I know that's a really crappy inspiration,
but that's what it was for me.
Yes, I know, that's a crappy inspiration,
but it was my inspiration, don't you see?
I had a poop brewing in me!
It was growing quite fiercely!
That was my inspiration
for that song about pooping!
I know that people don't sing
about pooping all the time.
Usually they just sing to kids to
help them sit on the pot and to unwind.
But I like to sing about pooping,
because I have an album about it.
Yes, I like to sing about pooping
because it's on my album.
Well, not literally on my album,
or I would clean it off, off, off.
Well, not literally on my album,
because that would be gross, gross stuff.
But, I have an album that is
all about, yes, pooping!
Yes, I have an album that is
full of poop, poop, poop!
And I think it's a pretty good album!
Even though I'm not done with it!
So, I will keep on going,
until I am through with it.
Just like I do
when I'm on the pot.
Just like I do
when I want to make it plop.
I have to wait sometimes
when that poop it needs time to move.
You can't rush it sometimes
you must wait until it's through with you.
I think this song might be through,
might be through with you.
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Mr. Beany's Bitty Band
We're a one-person band fronted by a human who self-describes as a mad artist. We invented the "crapcapella" genre, and remain a proponent, though we now support the term "folk acapella" as well. We love improvised music as well as sheet music.
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